There are many ways to refer to mourning. There are the waves of grief, the stages, the levels and the layers. It’s a cycle. It’s a process. It creates a pot of tear soup. Analogies may fail, and everyone is different, but this is how it has felt to me… Sometimes grief feels like two […]
Sometimes tragedy shakes the structure of life so completely that nothing looks the same when the dust settles. When my life-altering, pivot-point tragedy occurred, I never could have imagined all of the ways that I would change as a result of it. Though the very deepest parts of my identity did not change; my value, my worth, and the meaning of my existence… I am certainly not the same person I once was.
When someone close to you dies, a hole is left where a relationship used to be. Because of his or her death, there are things that will not get done unless they are reassigned to someone else. Your relationship with your loved one is gone, but so also might be the friends you used to spend time with because things have changed – in you, in them, in general – since your life-altering personal tragedy. Life looks different now because when your loved one left, so did the roles and relationships you once knew.
The first secondary losses following any primary loss, are the ones relating to lifestyle and everyday realities. These losses concern routines, location, occupation, social interactions, daily items… and the list goes on.
When a loved one dies, you experience the primary loss of that person and all he or she meant to you. Secondary losses are the rest of the weight of a life without that person in your life. They are the rest of the equation – the things that you no longer have because the person with whom they were associated is gone. Secondary losses are not secondary because they are less significant, but rather because they are a result of the primary loss.
In a month that seemed especially dark and icy, it’s was wonderful to be able to hold a brand new baby. In both my heart and my arms I felt light, joy, hope and peace from God.